another holiday season passes without receiving a dick in a box, where did i go wrong in life?
a bus full of elementary school kids may or may not have seen me pissing off my front porch this morning
There are two people having sex in one of the showers right now trying to silence their orgasm sounds and failing. Thank you coed bathrooms.
he had a blacklight sublime poster, of course i had to do him.
I hid a girl's boot last night so I could ransom it back this morning via the "blowjobs for boots" program.
We did a shot for each one. Father... son... and holy ghost. That wasn't enough though so we moved on to toasting dead relatives.
I can't even use my hands i'm so hungover
oh yea it is. i was not expecting to look at a snowbank and just see flying mushrooms
i got us a cheese tray and a bottle of whiskey
ugh yes i love our date nights
he does have a point though, watching you drink makes me never want to drink again
Plus I'm pretty sure you said "love you" on the phone, so technically I should be putting you on some type of probation
Siri just called me GayBoy in front of my family. I will destroy you.
All I want for Christmas is my co-worker's speakerphone to be thrown against a brick wall, and the remains burned in a backyard fire while I roast a hot dog over it. Is that so much to ask?
We're meant to be. Apparently God wants me to get dicked down pretty good too so I'm not complaining about destiny
The bride is so wasted, she fell into her cake.I wanna be on her level
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