My vag should have a twitter account. It would be like "destroyed another condom today".
She threw up everywhere and is crying about a fictional character who died on Grey's Anatomy
I was just given a safe word. It's going it be an interesting night.
So she just apologized to the fire extinguisher.
I just remembered that he had fake blood all over his face last night. I woke up with it all over my dick. He was 50. Please don't judge me.
This is the second time in a week I've woken up with your bra in my bed and I've had to sit and think about how it happened.
I opened my eyes this morning, looked at the sunlight and made this hangover my bitch.
Licking pop rocks off a stranger's washboard abs and kissing strangers young enough to be my kid. Yeah, it was THAT kind of party last night
Instead of getting a taxi some gay black guy drove us home. He is trying to break into the taxi business
Way to promote small business.
She was wearing some slutty variation of a toga and giving the entire bus a pep talk on why we should black out tonight...I'M IN LOVE AND I DON'T CARE WHO KNOWS IT!
Teaching my class, used paper clips to fix my hair. Too hungover to be a kindergarten teacher.
I'm actually pinning crap for Friendsgiving like a boss right now. These bitches better show up.
I PUT IT IN THE UNIVERSE THAT I WANTED TO STAB HIM AND THEN SOMEONE DID! KARMA IS A BITCH AND SHE IS BEAUTIFUL!
I POOPED CONFETTI TOO. Ingested unacceptable amount of it oh my god can I die from this?
my personal favorite... An "I'm sorry you broke your finger and cant play sports for awhile" blowjob!
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