Best moment of my life. I just got a text from some random number that said i can't wait to touch you. Her name is kiara and she had the wrong number.
did the hipsters beat you up because you are more ironic than they are?
When I was with my girlfriend I was averaging 1 random hookup a week. In the 2 months I've been single I haven't got any. I think I need her back.
A girl just told me she printed out my pictures and taped them on her wall. I have to stop sleeping with virgins.
I told him I'd go cook him breakfast, but ended up passing out on the kitchen floor in the fetal position spooning the dog
It's all good, I've hated people for lesser reasons than being my ex boyfriend's favorite pro athlete of all time
Why can't people give useful wedding gifts...like sex swings or Nutella?
I may have had sex with him and told him we wasn't worth my time then went home and made mashed potatoes
I just accepted my offer to work as a camp counselor over the phone between shots of Fireball. This is going well for me so far.
I just had to explain to an 70+ year old lady what 'coitus' was. This was not in my job description.
As much as I trust your struggle imma deal with being Eskimo brothers with my own sister before I get to that
My cat took a shit on the guy who passed out in the bathtub
you were on all fours in the front yard puking, but managed to hand the pizza delivery guy a beer and to have a nice day.
his mom walked in while he was eating me out. and my vag was facing the door. luckily his face was in it.
All i want from a relationship is to get drunk watch pirates of the Caribbean and have sex
Randomize
