I was just about to go down on her when she gave herself a "smell check" and said "no, not today".
Wow, you know I need to stop drinking alone when I pour my drink into my hand and offer it to my dog,
mom just found 19 empty wine bottles in my closet. i hate spring cleaning
Then I received a text in French, that roughly translated to "all you'll ever be good for is sex on the Internet"
Chick took off her bra in the middle of class cuz it was "too hot." How's going out of state feel now?
Just drunk tweeted NASA asking them to give me a lift home in one of their spaceships. Fingers crossed
Still burping lighter fluid. Totally awful.
and honestly how many chances will you get to hook up with a one armed guy?
We'll find out our level of friendship after tonight. You'll be helping me move a body. My body.
The ratio of last drink to last smoke is so tricky. This could go on until the booze is gone
I am the kind of drunk to where i can still drive a golf cart
Only ESPN could find the two ugly girls from a school in Florida
Herpes is not a lady problem you can solve with shower beers and kissing boys
You thought they were asking for volunteers for a karaoke contest so you jumped up not realizing it was actually a "last 3 minutes boxing match". But you took that right hook like a champ.
you don't need to worry about using proper grammar if you're asking for the size of his dick.
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