And he just showed me his vera bradley wallet...
Not only did a random toaster end up in my house last night, it's also full of skittles.
I was pretty stoned. I thought I needed a seatbelt at the restaurant.
Is it a problem that I find my wife's 16 year old niece sexy?
please don't go to jail. I'd hate to have to call the montgomery county jail every time I need sex advice
i'm reaslly not drunk enough to wtch the fat lesbian on my floor brng another fat lesbian dressed up as a bloody nurse into her room at 2am
So far we've hooked up on a pool table, on a public bathroom counter and now in a little league baseball dugout. We haven't even made to a house yet.
Apparently she came home completely covered in mud, pretending to be a bird...and she still had more sex than any of us this weekend.
Make sure your heart doesn't explode. These are words of wisdom.
She can't meet us until 830...there's no hope for our sobriety at that hour
I tried to break it off with the married one. He offered to pay off my car.
The side bitch struggle is real.
This really high kid past out in the corner of the room holding a box of cheez its in his arm. My idol.
Little girl was fucking around on the train and completely ran her head into a pole. Totally burst out laughing as she cried. Her mom was not amused. I don't think I should be a Mom. EVER.
Invitations to sext will not be acknowledged until 10 a.m. EST. Thank you for your cooperation. We apologize for any inconvenience.
So, do I need to remind you to keep it classy tonight?
No, because if you have to be reminded it isn't classy.
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