Totally about to meet up with Ryan in an empty parking lot. Expect to fuck him. Yes I know it's 3am. Slutty? Possibly. Excited? Damn right.
Found her in the closet eating mayo out of the jar with a knife
I woke up to a text that said, "I can see you but can't get in." It was the pizza delivery guy who saw me passed out drunk on the floor through the front door.
Yes I hit her with my car. Yes I gave her a ride home. And yes she gave me her number. What's the problem?
I walked out of the bedroom naked holding a used condom only to be greeted by half of my family. Happy birthday mom
We kept trying to bring you to the hospital but you had a tantrum and kept saying you would never be Miss America
Omg no. We ate a raw pumpkin last nighr. We dipped it in BBQ sauce.
I just audibly asked myself if i wanted to masturbate.
And then audibly agreed
Wake up. Finish House of Cards. Put on pants.
Accurate.
The best part about daylight savings time this weekend is we get an extra hour to be fucked up.
Jello shots and homoerotic movie scenes bingo?
Like when your most normal sex dream is you being a prostitute, you know it's been one long ass dry spell.
You couldn’t remember the word hand jibber. Instead, your drunk ass offered the bartenders “unlimited hand fritters” if they wouldn’t cut you off.
You do realize last night you asked me if shampoo had an expiration date then cried for 15 mins when I told you it did
We left an ass print on the conference room table, but I don’t think anyone caught on
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