i wish my penis had a tongue
That weatherman I hooked up with is on TV again
Just spent the last of my lifesavings on (what i hope is enough of) alcohol. Hello summer.
I am willing to take shots of vanilla extract. That's how this night has been.
I don't know if its because i'm stoned or what but painting my kitchen yellow makes it look crooked
bleeding from the face, sitting in a shopping cart and holding a wad of ripped caution tape. what else would i be doing?
I'm soaked in champagne. I'm eating oatmeal from mcdonalds tonight was glorious
You should be proud. How many people can say they GAVE a stripper an std?
I haven't gone out since the baby was born. If I don't get arrested, in a fight, or both I'm going to be super pissed.
It felt like he was juggling my kidneys with the head of his penis... If you could even call it that, it was more like a lochness monster. Huge and mythical.
I don't even see the point of going over to his place dressed anymore.
I hope you fall on your chin.
Jealousy makes you ugly.
This time last year, you were undressing me from my gecko costume and getting freaky in a public bathroom. Tough to top that New Years Eve.
I should've left when he told me that he only smoked crack by accident once
Why is there an inflatable flamingo in the backseat of my car?
I don't like kids.
You were literally holding a baby 5 minutes ago
I like them before they learn to speak and after they learn to think.
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