Sex has been so nonexistent lately that when I was masturbating the other day, I actually paused to yawn.
I just tipped a bartender in xanax.
I left when they started reinacting what appeared to be a jerry springer episode
I JUST WANT SOMEBODY TO EXPLAIN HOW FORESKIN WORKS AND DO NOT UNDERSTAND WHY THIS IS A PROBLEM.
when my professor asked "does anyone know what streches across south america" and a kid in the back row said "my exgirfriends vagina" i knew i was at home.
So, I picked up my 7 ft tall lamp post and used it to close my door. I feel quite accomplished.
it was like getting a handjob from robocop
It's a sit down to pee kind of hangover
You don't even know. The entire marching band thinks I'm an alcoholic.
Now we're discussing the sex we had and the later lack thereof. It's like marriage counseling via snapchat.
He left for work so I drank pickle juice from his fridge
Please tell me you did not shit your Disney princess costume.
I threw up in my brother's Easter basket
Dude, you need to come and get her. She's sitting on the bathroom floor making hearts with her menstrual blood. And remind me never to let her do jello shots again
We told him to puke in the Denny's parking lot or we wouldn't be his friend anymore. So he did. He wasn't even drunk.
Randomize
