just heard the best thing ever: calling people's kids "fuck trophies"
Just saw a girl that looks like Michelle Obama and Im strangely aroused by her. Does that make me a democrat?
He called me a "functional alcoholic" like its a bad thing.
this is hardly the first time i've been told i'm dressed "too suggestively" for 7 in the morning.
Turns out they use me as an example of What Not To Do at freshman orientation. My little brother told me.
Apparently I whispered "Jesus was here" and bailed out of the moving taxi.
What color suit is the proper "i banged the bride" attire?
I really need to create fewer "the time I was on drugs" stories for my future memoir, "my first year in San Francisco".
good luck with that
All I know is I was dancing to Shakira in his alley and I think rubbing my junk on his car door.
so my mom thinks I'm picking you up just to go buy you liquor before you go back to school tomorrow...
I'm ashamed that your mom thinks I haven't already taken care of that.
Look. I've got things to do today.. Will you hurry up and come over so I can give you some head and get my day started already
Outside
To be honest, waking up to 20 naked people in my house was not the weirdest thing to happen to me in the past 24 hours
I swear to god if you eat that last piece of pie while I'm gone I will never speak to you again. I'm so serious.
I don't trust him but hanging out with him might be fun
he's literally satan but yeah probably
All I'm saying is there better be a bow on your dick for my birthday
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