the smoke from my cigarette strangely resembles what patrick swayzes ghost will look like.
dude this girl next to me farted in the middle of a quiz and denied my high five
bitch
Fuck men. I'm going to go eat a package of cookie dough and get fat. I hope I die of salmonella.
i'm pretty sure i saw my life flash before my eyes when we ran a red light. i continued to drink and be the drunk backseat driver.
she crawled under her car and passed out. Unfortunately her feet were sticking out and someone called 911 because they thought she had been run over.
just made one giant jello shot... if i have to study on a saturday night, i'm gonna do it as drunk as possible
They kept barging in on us saying random shit. At one point they came in yelling room service! and threw soda at us bruising my foot. Weirdest injury I have gotten during sex.
I feel like these arent even my fingers anymore
The great part about clubs is that you can fart everywhere and nobody knows! The bad part is I'm on e and i have nobody to fondle.
well what the fuck is the POINT of teetotal mardi gras
WHEN JENDA BENDA THE DRAG QUEEN TELLS YOU TO RUN, YOU RUN, BITCH!!!
I take it you're alive?
Mostly. Can't quite control my arms.
Note to self: never fuck a Canadian, surprisingly highly disappointing
6 hours ago I jacked off a a guy for $100. I explained it away as "compensation" for gas and tolls. WHAT am I doing with my life? Quickest and easiest $100 I ever made though, haha
Trouble in the neighborhood - turns out my brother's summer lawn care gig also entailed banging three different MILFs and they just all found out about each other
Gotta pay for college somehow...
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