You can't have hate sex in a hallway!!
i just found out that washing ur bong in the dishwasher works. its been a productive day
Just when I thought this night couldn't get any worse, my dad sang and dedicated Sexual Healing to me at kareoke night.
I think that's the first time i've seen 'you look like an ugly version of my ex' work as a pickup line
I remember coming home with a cat... I havent seen it all day. Shit.
He said I kept trying to give him directions back to my house in Rhode Island, and that I started crying when he told me I live in Phoenix.
he drank all my beer while i was at work and passed out on my couch, when i got home he was out cold and my room mates pig was licking him. they seemed peaceful, so i took 20 bucks from his wallet and left again.
Just considered playing a drinking game with powerade with my sister so she would get some fluids in her. I do so well with sick people.
This is the I'm sorry text for running around yelling don't shit on my rainbow, end up in the fetal position crying at 4 am in my car because someone shit on my rainbow
Next time I feel awkward in a situation I'm going to just yell "free bird!!!!" Like some redneck at lynyrd skynyrd show
I wish I saved his nudes so I could anonymously submit them to his tumblr
They were arguing about who would hit the piñata first so naturally you tore it open with your hands. You broke the piñata and their hearts.
I am drunk at 8am listening to Cyndi Lauper and dressed up in a penguin suit
She said if you lived here it would be like the x rated version of 3's company
Im sitting on the floor of the hotel room eating nachos and drinking coffee. People should learn to embrace their hangovers
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