Ehh boy. FML. she was unattractively large.
why did i wake up with a kid named Raphael in my bed this morning?
I dont know but you did call last night to tell me you found the last ninja turtle
Hey, what are you up to?
Drinking wine with the guys and watching 7 Pounds.
Looking back I guess I could have changed that to beer and Die Hard.
My mom just drunkenly told me i was conceived in the back of a car, at a Bon Jovi concert.
we're driving around with this really dirty (unclean and inappropriate) 60 year old ex-san quintin con named old skool d that my brother knows and hes bringing us to get weed. what is montana?
Why do you need me to cover for work?
I wouldn't say NEED but lets just say I smell like guacamole and semen.
Mother fucker, I knew it was bad when you tried making out with my car window
I just had a great idea for an etsy shop. Sell all the shit bitches leave from one nighters
I think we need to dedicate ourselves to building your stamina back to uterus breaking level
Literally had a conversation with the pizza as to why it was a bad idea to reach in the back seat and grab a slice while driving. The pizza was right, it was safer to just wait until I got home.
Fuck these bullshit days. My underwear are still inside out.
My feet surprised me
That's just how I roll. I drink, then tell people I'm either not wearing underwear or I'm training to be a stripper.
I have a cheeseburger in my purse and im going to fill her prescription for narcotics. Who thought i was responsible enough to sign her discharge papers?
just saw a girl run into an automatic sliding door, back up and try again
Randomize
