I just counted my steps so I know when you start looking for you on my way back from the bathroom
You know how us drunks love counting steps
Currently in a meeting. i am playing the not throw up game. god i hope i dont lose.
I hate to say it, but I think my pandora being Marvin Gaye love songs was the prime reason for the bj last night
She is going down in cock block history. He went in to kiss me and she threw her hand between our faces and yelled "DENIED!"
Um I just overheard that the new guy spent a month in jail. Obvi another great hire.
i told you he always needs adult supervision he just tazered himself
Remembering I sold my brand new Blackberry to a stranger for a few pints = Worst night of my life. Now to work out what I did with my shoes.
Well I let her practice her tattooing on me. This shaky dragon on my arm says Im getting laid.
You see it tends to piss fathers off when they find their daughter in the arms of a shirtless guy that neither he nor his daughter knows.
The other guys kept waking up so I hid... Like, dick in mouth, hiding in his sleeping bag
I just had sex on a roof
At the light, his mom pulled up next to us while I was giving him road head. He forgot to tell me she was meeting us at the movie. So long story short, I convinced her I drove myself, pick me up in 20.
Hey now one little girl thought it was cool I was covered in blood. Apparently according to her Mom she wants to be a surgeon when she grows up
Then, even the devil himself would be scared of us. And we'd be bestfriends with Jesus. He would love us.
Someone made a Christmas song to the Flintstones theme and I'm suing for emotional distress.
Randomize
