dude, im still at the bar with two chics... one has a moustache ill save that one for you... be home in 20min..
I think my guts just had a chinese fire drill
i think i just puked on my phone
we live great lives
I'm so hungover I took Dramamine to help prevent the motion sickness of walking.
Imagine a baby lion feeding on an injured gazelle and it tasting fresh blood for the first time. That's me and this breakfast sammich
could you please not use my mortar and pestal for its intended purpose? i just snorted cracked black pepper.
We get an extra hour of sleep. That means we can take an extra shot tonight. Sound logic. Thank you daylight savings.
How many band members does it take to become The Band Slut? I think I might be dangerously close
That happens a lot to the people around me. It's like I'm radioactive but instead of cancer, you get desensitized to the word cunt
"Like what guy would respond to 'let's fuck. I've got bagels'??"
Pennsylvania now holds the distinct honor of being the third state I've crapped my pants in.
I like to send nudes ok? If that's my biggest flaw I think I'm ok
i texted "amiibo vore" to my insurance agent instead of someone else. do you think they'll raise my rates out of disgust?
Fortunatly we found him, he was on my roof. Unfortunatly, we can't say the same for his pants. Still looking. BRB.
I think I hear the ice cream truck
I could be going crazy though
NO IT IS THE ICE CREAM TRUCK IT'S ALMOST AT YOUR STOP
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