dude why did you let me call her?!
i told you it was a bad idea and to quote you exactly, you said "no, it's a good idea..that's what people do when they love each other." you met her 15 minutes prior to that conversation...
searching my car for your cum before I have to give my grandma a ride to the airport. Thanks for this
I could seriously attempt to try and saw my head in half with a butter knife cause im pretty sure it could not hurt any more than it already does
i just remembered that i did the "single ladies" dance ON THE BAR...fuck you slippery nipples i curse the day i discovered you
im the best fifth wheel. all four of them separately bribed me to never speak of what happened last night
well, I was going to forgive her anyway but not because shes my best friend and moreso because shes my drug dealer
Sorry, I was trapped in a small closet behind a washer. What's up?
New rule. Every time you and I have a disagreement that lasts longer than 10min, while in a bar, we'll have a shot. Figure we'll eventually start agreeing sooner rather than later...
The friend zone. He put me in the friend zone. But said he still wants me to suck his dick. I'm in the dick sucking friend zone and I want to die.
I just realized that with the new snapchat update / emoji sticker thing I can now use easily use emojis to cover my boobs in nudes.
I fell asleep while eating jimmy johns last night and then woke up at 5am and continued to eat it
GO RIDE HIS EYEBROWS INTO THE SUNSET
Guess who's now on the no-fly list? If you guessed me, you'd be right.
The Domino's delivery guy is in front of me at The Wendy's drive-through. Hmmm.....
A drunk frat boy just jumped on the hood of my car while I was driving down Bridge St. He yelled at me to keep going since he was playing frogger and needed another car to jump on... or a log. I hate this town.
Randomize
