We walked past a group of guys in front of a bar last night and they claimed, I quote: Wow, we'd actually have to work for that.
Why did I wake up this morning with 10 tally marks on my hand and a penis drawn on my tits?
totally just realized while washing my face that Cetaphil looks like semen.
The guy is drinking 5 bottles of beer in a juice pitcher. Fucking amazing.
My grandma had to be escorted out by police.
I remember three things: you falling down an entire flight of stairs, me stripping out of your Christmas one-sie to do cartwheels in my underwear, and people standing above me saying, "where did that bump on her head come from?"
Also, I was told I kept the antlers on the entire time. I'm deeming last night a success.
I'm the fucking queen of sexting. I just made a blowjob sound so poetic I'm wishing I were a guy just so I could blow me. Learn from me.
I only had sex with him so I could try to steal his roommate's cat, what kind of girl do you think I am?
THERE IS NOT ENOUGH CAPSLOCK IN THE HISTORY OF THE WORLD TO EXPRESS MY CURRENT STATE OF WHAT THE FUCK JUST HAPPENED
I got so drunk last night that I drunk texted myself. "hand jobs are the currency of the future"
My wife just tried to justify to me why she wants to bring a girl into bed with us. I should win an academy award for my face and response of 'well of its what you need.'
When one of my seniors asked "Rough night?" I realized my poor decisions involving Tuesday night drinking did not go unnoticed.
My passport was stamped in Canada two weeks ago. One step closer to uncovering wtf happened that night
Started out playing table tennis then ended up fucking him on the table. Happy cinco de mayo
I just learned in class that female whales slap their fins against the water and then ten males come and fight for her yet we can't get guys to text us back
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