I'll bet she douches with gravy.
i'd rather walk the sahara in a snuggie with no water than take a bicycle cab
it makes it look bigger when i shave, i hope its not the same for a girl
She woke me up, whispered "I like the size of your dick", kissed me, and rolled over and went back to sleep
mid-sex i was thinking.. these are not the right balls slapping me
and then they started calling me 'Shitshow Shandra', which apparently i took as a compliment.
I hope my orgasm sounds aren't secretly that bad and no one tells me
How does this dude know what a dying walrus sounds like? That's the real question
Just got attacked by a family of raccoons, I have the worst luck.
I woke up at 5:47 in the morning to you peeing on my parents bedroom floor. I think we've established that you have a limit .
I'll just put on a bunch of mascara and cry right before I get there. Then everyone will recognize me.
There's glitter in my speakers, piles of cheezits on the floor, a random Audi in the driveway and a homeless dude napping in a lawn chair in the backyard. Wtf happened last night?
whatever bro. i had ice cream and whiskey for breakfast and its noon. this is the second worst christmas ever.
I want to tell you your future: you're going to be having sex
Fine I'll cuddle you but only for the purpose of trying to survive
God I love dating single dads. They've got their shit at least a little bit together and there's always snacks after sex. #nakedfruitrollups
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