I only gave you my number because I thought fat people were jolly
What can I expect? While all of my friends are getting married, all of his friends are tripping on robitussin
Last night at the bar my fuck buddies found out about each other.
Wtf? What happened?
Not quite sure but they rock, paper, scissored to see who was taking me home.
Me focusing on not shitting my pants is keeping me awake.
you are going to have to live with the consequences, i'm going to fuck your sister
You're always so generous when it comes to your dick.
Would it be a good deed to leave a 32 pack of bud light next to a bum sleeping in the park?
And I'm still awake, and you left me. Like the guy on Jurassic Park, that jumped out of the car expecting me to save myself while there is a man eating T-rex ready to tear my ass apart except theres a mathematician and paleontologist there to save me because they are bad asses.
ok thanks goodnight
Also before you go to bed i just have to get it out there that i really like macklemore as a person
HELP! How do I get paint off the dog?
So you told me to remind you that you vomited 3 times in the street because you would forget so here is your reminder
either I'm really high or that last bong rip tasted like christmas
my experiences serve only to benefit you young virgin
You just managed to turn Dr. Seuss into a sext. I really like you now.
Well, I'm most mad that he lied to you (about being married)...but the CAT THING IS A CLOSE SECOND
Randomize
