I'm sorry I'm just not ready to become vampire yet
sexting loses it's worth when you accidentally text your boss.
I shagged another guy with one ball last night. Are there really that many dudes with one nut in la or am I just a magnet for prostetic testes?
You know... If I put the same amount of effort into school as I put into giving women orgasms I would be a Rhodes scholar
apparently breaking a beer bottle and then throwing up in a urinal is a terrible way to pick up girls.
Just considered the plausability of using my detachable showerhead as a beer bong. Has my life really devolved to this?
I literally got so drunk last night, I texted myself "porpoises" and that was it. I have no recollection of this.
Can you bring me a corn dog or something shaped like one?
Is it weird to smoke a bong with a client from work?
My apologies. I'll try not to let my dick interfere with official work duties in the future.
it'll be like the notebook except for with way more of my penis
I'm still mad from all the stupid shit he's done this week that even though I couldn't give two shits about Vday, I'm gonna throw an epic tantrum if he doesn't morph in to Nickolas Sparks for a day
You can now call me Rabbi, and I can now perform weddings, funerals, and other services in all fifty states. You're welcome, world.
Do plants get herpes?
who is this
Talk all the shit you want but I slept in a oversized monster truck tire last night.
Randomize
