Call me when you're up
Great dream, you were in it
Our teacher totally just got outed in class by a speaker from some lesbian cooperative house
Yeah I'm buying him lunch right now because I shot him with the fire extinguisher last night
i'm in workout clothes. this is progress.
Im about to have a threesome, Ill pay you twenty bucks to go clean my room. Just throw it all in the closet.
Guess who left Professor Cunt on their paper by accident?
Also the fuck cup must be buried with me
I'm going to stop at grocery on the way home. I'm CRAVING wine from a sippy cup. We have neither wine nor sippy cups.
i'm pretty sure you can't sue someone for "Taking a shit on my kitchen floor."
I just saw someone dressed as a bear leave your house on a motorcycle. I guess you guys are having a good time.
He just brought a live lobster to the party.
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
Fast is cars. Home is I now. Drunk yoda me is.
So you completely disappeared from my memory last night at about my 15th Jager bomb. But only you. No one else.
I'm sorry I get my lefts and rights confused because I'm dyslexic. But, it took you at least 15 minutes to figure out it wasn't your room OR YOUR HUSBAND.
Randomize
