Pls stop me from telling anyone else my broken blood-vessel + splint are "climax-related" injuries.
I've been very busy/drunk lately... Sorry.
I guess I just laid down next to him with the entire pot of mac n cheese and started giving him a handie with one hand and eating with the other
3 a.m. laundry plus 100 proof peppermint schnapps does not turn out well. Not only is there a puddle of detergent outside the laundry room that I spilled, but my clothes were found in the dryer wit a box of Franzia and a 40. Good thing I was too drunk to turn it on.
He goes "hi, free today?" WHEN AM I EVER FREE ON A SATURDAY, I GOT HUNGOVER TO BE AND DRUNK TO GET.
I'm still pretty stoned. There are mini rice cakes in my robe pocket to snack on in the shower.
We fucked so hard and loud that the everyone at the party downstairs starting chanting his name. Oh I we broke a lamp.
where will you be at 9:30 tonight?
piledriving you in your roommate's bed?
He yelled "CARLI LLOYD" and then kicked the cake off the table. Soccer is making monsters out of us.
I got wine drunk and bought a hedgehog
He said it only counts if it ends up on the internet
That awkward moment when you hear your boss yelling during sex while you're on her couch eating Easy Mac.
Also, two points for knowing me well enough to know I definitely would put the moves on his brother.
i wish i could say that was the first 40 year old woman from the circus I nailed
Nope. I'm an adult now. I can successfully avoid to vomit in defiance of the porcelain god\n
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