I'm one shot of soco 100 away from fucking a mailbox
You were Q-tipping mashed potatoes out of your ear.
she never specifically said NOT to fuck her boyfriend so technically we can still be best friends
there is a dorito bag in my car full of my mouth blood
My parents called me out on catching us walking home from the bar in a swimming motion because "it was too windy to walk" home...
I drank half a bottle of wine while watching the Olympics opening ceremonies. I catcalled at handsome athletes. Stop me.
So I just bought e from my sophomore home ec teacher. How's your weekend going?
please come here right now, that girl who always gets her boob out is here and she brought taco bell
Ended up in his bed... He's passed out holding me and his bulldog is laying across my legs. Both snoring. HELP!! I wanna go home!
I don't remember his name. I had whataburger on my mind and in my hands so I wasnt really listening
Do you remember whose house we're in?
So uh... Did you mail me business cards that describe my profession as "tortured soul"?
Omg my brain. Most recent thought: I fucking prayed in the bathroom that the other girl would leave. Prayed to Jesus
he just asked me that if he was a penguin and I was a penguin if I would fuck him
there's still a lot i don't remember, like why my iphone's nailed to your wall
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