omg... punch me in the throat... I am about to lose my mind with my parents.. I'm not saying I agree with the menendez brothers.. but I understand
i found out what alaskan girls practice during those six months of darkness
Apparently they want to see what I've been working on for the last three months. Can I just hand them a bunch of empty fifths?
Maury Povich's contact info is in our database at work...i should steal it right?
But guess what. I'm gonna roll over and go to sleep cuz there's no cuddling in phone sex.
he was shitfaced drunk and couldn't walk but could still recite the top 10 in order from the first season of american idol. impressive
Someone jacked my earrings off me or I threw em in the toilet again
I hate when that happens
You owe me new eyes. The ones I have are burned with your balls into the back of my eyes. And every time I close them, your balls are right there...
The front desk girl just had that condescending welcome-home-from-your-walk-of-shame face on
It was probably because you set your bra on the couter while you found your ID...
I just can't promise there won't be a reason to hit you in the face with a dildo again in the future.
We got way too high so we're sitting in the parking lot of the movies trying to figure out what bar to go to
This Pinterest wedding planning is a good distraction. I'm great at this, my imaginary wedding is beautiful
why is "bang the student affairs grad assistant" the third highest thing on your semester goals list
He brought me a bottle of Jack, got me off 3 times, & then left. This is the best fakelationship ever!
Instead of.being an intelligent and mature adult and dealing with my feelings I chose to get hammered and fuck flounder
Eh it happens
Randomize
