I'm holding in my pee so that I can hear "Cowboy" in its entirety on the radio
Im handcuffed to some kid i hardly know. there are no cops involved
Michelle found a bong in the garbage and sold it to my mom
I thought it couldn't get worse until she said "Nipple hair"
I just did the math. 30.36% of girls I've slept with have cheated on a significant other while doing it.
Just scrubbed my teeth for a good twenty minutes. Herpes is afraid of toothpaste, right?
They were greeting people getting off the 48 with green beers and cheers. The one day I decide not to take the bus home...
the bouncer watched the girl drop her ID, saw me pick it up and say OMG SHE LOOKS LIKE ME, and then let me use it to get into the bar
We found him wrapped up in a giant table umbrella in the bathroom.
You went into the shower with my roommate and cursed him out asking why he was there
In other news, I just burned my penis
My card got declined when I tried to buy dippin dots at 2 am, the lady gave them to me for free because "I looked like I needed them."
I wanna be like, dude, I peed your bed. Like you laid in my pee. And we're not dating. You can find another fuck buddy who I'm sure won't piss on you.
I woke up in the middle of the night with my dick out and my electric blanket on high. It's like she wanted a hot dog.
I'm pretty sure even the managers want me to show up hungover my last day, it would be negligent and disrespectful to do otherwise
Randomize
