we were spooning and you were the big spoon but you insisted that I call you "the ladle"
Santa Clause just drove by me on a fire truck. Epic night begins.
I'm questioning the dried chocolate syrup on my tits.
Well we're gonna drink when we get home and I just invited the cab driver to play beer pong
There is a girl on the metro with no shoes and she's using a Crown Royal bag as a purse.
hey dude come in here and see how much of my beard i can put in my mouth!
Last awkward moment of 2011: your ex gf grinding on me in front of her husband.
From now on I forbid you to refer to it as a "bed". From now on you must only use the phrase "sex wagon".
Just watched a guy get through airport security with a full bottle of captain morgan. In my head the entire airport cheered.
I woke up to an alarm on my phone that said "Buy Plan B" and then the guy offered me a hairbrush... which seemed polite at the time
This morning was so rough I can't even. I was cutting up vegetables for my omelet on the floor. THE FLOOR. I sat on the floor because I felt like I was gonna vom.
Last night's dream consisted of you, me, a sauce pan full of cocaine and light sabers. I almost cried when I woke up.
I already tell everyone in my office my bf is at the Naval academy. It slipped one time and I can't go back on it now
True strength comes from lack of pants
Almost ran out to the street bowl in hand when I hear the ice cream truck pull up outside.
Everything about that text makes me proud to be your sister.
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