from now on when you get up to pee in the middle of the night, check to see if im sleeping in your parking lot.
i do.
woke up on my stairs with half a hot dog beside me and the last text I sent was "i make hot dog in toasTer" .
We played shuffleboard at the bar last night...another sign we are getting tooooo old.
you just knocked on the window of the ambulance and waved at me as we drove away
I walked down to the adult beverage store and got two bottles of jim beam and s shooter of crwon black label because we didn't have any Tylenol
Fuck that must be a crazy sunburn.
Cant wait to drunkenly tell by kids that i banged their aunt katie in a weird threesome
Okay throwing up in my mouth a little = time to go home
There are two types of people in this world I don't trust: people who collect stamps, and people who don't drink
This is going to ruin my future wedding planner career, but isn't it better the groom knows he's gay BEFORE he gets married?
Still butthurt there's a framed picture of me passed out on the toilet in my grandparents' living room
Holy shit there is too much Taco Bell here to talk to you
Oh I'm sorry does your girlfriend send you better pictures of things in her ass? No? Didn't think so. Remember that the next time you wanna complain how I don't make the first move enough.
You either got a dog, or you have a boy over. I can't tell from the noises which it is.
I'm having shoppers remorse over a dildo
This is a crisis. I had a huge crush on him in seventh grade and now his girlfriend is due to have his child on my birthday. HIS CHILD CAN'T BE BORN ON MY BIRTHDAY.
Randomize
