You'll be the first to get a "it's herpes simplex 1" cigar.
I took my vicodin with tequila. I can FEEL gravity...
Just threw the poptarts. Sgits boutta go Down. 1 liter of wine
well let's see. after you forcefully shoved a half-eaten apple in my mouth, you ruined the pepsi by dumping an entire beer in there.
Cognac is not meant to be taken in shots. I just wanted you to know the desperation of last night.
My dad caught me fucking in the pool last night. He proceeded to tell me I needed to "quiet things down" while this guys dick was still in me. Worst daughter ever.
I have a meeting at work in an hour, I'm so hungover going outside is NOT happening there are roads and shit I'll totally get myself killed.
Accidently said "your going to hurt the baby" when he got forceful with his thrusts. I guess I forgot to mention to him that we are pregnant.
not totally sure where im at but i think i've definitely woken up on this couch before. bong on the coffee table looks familiar. should be able to find my way home
Stop saying "make it happen". I'm not gonna say "hey, you should get naked with your sister and roll around together while I penetrate you both"
Yes. Do not say that. That will not make it happen.
Still. Make it happen
I just wrote my resume on the same park bench I got felt up at in freshman year of highschool... I've truly come full circle
I forgot to tell you that he serenaded me with "Fuck Her Gently" by Tenacious D. And I didn't hate it.
He's finally divorcing her, so naturally he tells me that we're not exclusive anymore. His penis 'wants what it wants' apparently.
You know shits really hit the fan when you start using public bathroom air freshener spray as perfume
what? where are you?
Just shaved my balls on a moving train. By far the most dangerous stunt I've ever pulled
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