if i died would you start the facebook group?
You threw up on yourself, then proceeded to tell us "to not make a mess in your car"
Be prepared to possibly be invited to a fancy strip club breakfast on Friday and be prepared to say yes.
i'm behind the bar giving him a hand job. i need stuff to make my foot stop itching.
okay, this is where i needed to clarify that i was kidding before when i said that jizz helps mosquito bites. but let me know how that goes. for future reference.
There's a fried egg and an empty bottle of reddiwhip in the parking lot. Did you have fun last night?
Apparently drunk me was getting hit on and i wasn't into it so i shouted "Stupify" at him like i was fucking harry potter then went to the pizza place next to the bar and punted some guys pizza box out of his hands. :(
More cowboy butts than you can shake a stick at, oh joy.
so hungover. i just puked at the sight of the beer emoticon you sent me.
WHY ARE THERE NO BLACK EMOJIS? I CAN NEVER PROPERLY IDENTIFY MYSELF.
Oh my god he's laying on a longboard singing the song from cool runnings.
You threw your body across the gross couple hooking up on the couch and demanded they scratch your back. I love you drunk on peach schnapps
It was 16 hours of liver killing mistake making goodness
I am more than mildly offended he didn't screenshot the snapchat of my boobs.
Is it okay to mention my ambition to become a supervillian and kill all humans on a first date, or is that a second date discussion?
She then told me, and I quote "I want to send you nudes just to see how you'd react."
Randomize
