He looked me in the chest and said "I think I was visited by the titty fairy last night"
I feel like our bond is deeper now that we're both sleeping with married men. now we're really bffls
You sprayed lemon pledge on your crotch because it was "dusty"
I can handle NPR. I speak hippie. I took it in college.
its impossible for me to find something that fits my tits my muffin top and my ass all at the same time
oh and i'm sorry i sold you for three cigarettes last night
he just asked me for a tag team. like at least let me get changed out of your roommates clothes from last night first...
I'm eating my emotions. I am no longer interested in anybody other than my own hand and vagina.
Got stoned and went to Walmart. For some reason a preacher walked up and asked if I knew the lord so I just yelled "I CAN FEEL HIM IN MY VIENS" at the top of my lungs. he left after that.
YET AGAIN, my financial planning for 2013 consists MOSTLY of eating chipotle as "brain food" and drinking Heavily before the Jeopardy contestant test.
That moment when your fucking in an airport bathroom and forget to lock the door. That poor man...scarred forever...
They only searched every other person. But I sacrificed myself to get our vodka across the border
His status said "sad." of course I liked it. I don't even care that I was the only one. Facebook isn't your god damn journal, we don't care about your problems.
That's a lot of judgement coming from a man wearing a dress made from a bedsheet.
You sat on me. Like I was a toilet. While I was on the toilet. You peed a little.
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