i tried to light my apt on fire. reasons why drunks and women should not cook
Ok a condom literally fell out of my underwear this morning, i have never been so confused.
So I just used shazaam to figure out a pairs figure skating song. I don't think I could get any gayer.
I just got licked by a stripper, not so great anymore.
i'm forwarding you the dirty picture of that fat girl that likes me sent . i feel like since youre my best friend you should puke in your mouth too .
I have no idea. He was just running around wearing a horse mask yelling "bumfuck" repeatedly. We figured we'd just let him get it out of his system.
You chugged 6 beers in a row and then outed your boss at a party last night.
Doing 9 month old dishes in my bath tub. These dishes literally had enough time to gestate a human child
In the store looking for it now. They put the theatre/script section right next to the gay erotica section. Rude. Practical, but rude.
Wait do you remember that guy last night asking to use my nose ring to open his beer.......
It's almost like sex was the ice breaker and now we're sociable at the gym
Considering all of my stomach contents ended up in my center console, I'm a bit peckish.
I thought he was a lobster and that the moon was going to pull me through him.
I don't think I should try acid.
from across the room i saw you look into your beer and whisper "i love you"
Apparently I showed all your grooms men my vagina to prove I did not have underwear on. Awesome
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