So I just went home and made my own spanx by cutting the legs off of a pair of nylons. I'm either a genius or missed my calling to live in a trailer park.
my breakfast just consisted of gushers (made with real fruit!) and they're trying to tell me im not eating right?
Watching the 1st game of the world cup. I'll drunk dial you at 8:30 to wake you up for work.
He just tagged everyone he's slept with this year in a 'memories of 2011' tweet
Ok fuckface listen up and listen good. 1.calling dibs on a chick out of your league is like applying for a job with a highlight video 2. dont fucking ski down the stairs again 3. if you do, put it on your highlight video
I decided I'm going to give him a celebratory fuck for his accomplishments. Knocked on his door, handed him some condoms and said "I'll be over tonight with sex and booze"
I want to be you.
Hey, I took a sweater from your house. And, um, your little brother's virginity.
I just used bulldog clips for nipple clamps. Also, a wooden spoon as a paddle. DYI Domination or Ghetto Bondage?
just woke up and currently drinking copious amounts of eggnog straight from the carton to replenish the electrolytes lost last night
I'm not sure New Orleans is real. Even the grocery stores sell vodka.
i just smoked marajunia from a shotgun barrell. what have you done today?
After this week, alcohol is mandatory.
He was so high he started playing Twister on the striped rug. Then when we missed midnight he went on a screaming rampage about his New Year's Eve being meaningless. How do you think it went?
How drunk was I last night?
You tried to unlock a door with your dick. That drunk.
Not the explanation for the cock bruise that I was looking for.
The only food I have to eat is weed gummies and magic mushrooms... This is peak 34
Randomize
