fml, blew my nose and red sprinkles came out and did the splits when i sneezed
So, we're in the car ready to fuck and she asks about my ex. I wave at my lap and say, "bye". She asks what I'm doing. I say, "waving goodbye to my erection"
sometimes i wonder what i would do without sheltered catholic girls w/ overprotective parents
never have sex?
marching band practice is quite the interesting soundtrack to sex
if i dont get laid while im dressed as Tim Tebow, i'm just staying true to the costume.
he actually said the words "do you want to pet the lizard?" with a straight face as he unzipped his pants
Today's work quote "if I looked like you, I'd be sitting on everyones face"
Text me back. Urgent. It is a porta Keep the portal alive.
Is this the acid talking?
Yeah then she waddled like a duck in silence sat down and ate the entire paper towel roll.
I'm eating cake, naked, in bed. I am GREAT at being single.
Don't stress. That was a joke. I'd trust my pets with no one else. Accidents happen. Sometimes things go smoothly when you help a neighbor out and sometimes you electrocute their fish. Life is funny that way.
She said to me, without hesitation, "make me an offer better than my sugar daddy and I'll go with you"
He claimed he was the best ass eater of the south. He was right.
One of the worst parts about living at my parents again is trying to hide how often I'm hungover, just quietly puked in the basement bathroom while my mom got ready for work
This is the Front Desk Lady from the Saturolite Inn. Your friend is passed out in the lobby. Please come help her.
Randomize
