How many nights a week you wake up with sticky boxers cause you were dreaming of Clay Aiken? Your wife mad?
and when i put it inside her she yelled "welcome aboard!"
So apparently I ran down the hall to another party and started handing out uncooked spaghetti to strangers. You'd be surprised how many drunk people will eat raw noodles.
Is there any way to un-invite somebody to a wedding? I just checked out the other family, and I can't have a cockblock there.
just remind me when i get fired soon that august is the month i started pregaming work
She's licking the seat belt now. Feeling a little uncomfortable
I puked all over his apartment, then slept with the skinniest girl here. Which isn't saying much in Ohio.
I smell like Captain Morgan and tears
Apparently suggesting that she was the kind of girl who might be expected to kill someone's pets hurt her feelings...
No man. Everyone needs to shit off a roof, at least once.
I hate waking up Sunday morning and thinks "how many friends did I lose last night".... Normally it's between 1-5.
I'm sitting at dinner with my family looking over sexts. The thirst is far too real. They're talking about retail and I'm like haha, yes, you are all correct.
He came in two seconds and stole my pizza so I'm not counting it.
It's okay that we broke up and all but it's not okay that he still has my Chick-fil-A calendar card. This month is free fries!
Had sex outside for the third time last night. Mosquito bites all over my ass, and i think i have a rash on my nipples. When will i learn.
Just wait till winter
Randomize
