There's a fat drunk walrus bitch here next to me and shes already puked and now falling on herself
OH FUCK NOW HER BOYFRIEND IS MAKING OUT WITH HER VOMIT HOLE
Sounds like a good blink 182 concert...
how in the hell can u get pulled over when ur car is parked.
What's the most polite way to ask if you puked in my vase?
I just remember thinking, if she falls asleep, I'm totally eating that spilled chex mix right off of her.
$100 bras are my way of telling my boobs that I love and appreciate them, and all the metaphorical doors they have opened for me.
I think the multiple Sunday morning sirens outside my window are a plot by the cops to get back at me for the shit we pulled last night. Or I should move to a better area.
Should I take my grandma to a keg tomorrow or not? Serious question
You know what would make the espn body photos even better? If anyone knew who any of those fucking athletes were. That, and maybe not feature Gary Player.
Hooked up with a guy dressed as Miss Frizzle last night... Asked if I could ride his Magic School Bus
walk of shame. I'm wearing my rain jacket over my dragon costume. My tail keeps dragging in the rain.
You were a for sure 10. You put on a traffic cone to meet someone.
We were getting breakfast he shit himself in the middle of ihop. Mid bite he just yells out o fuck.
I'm like the big dick whisperer.
I woke up with a captain's hat on my desk.
Did that sound smart? Cuz beneath the boozy exterior beats the heart of a fucking scientist.
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