I decided to name my penis gatorade...is it in you?
You thought cars couldnt see you if you stuck your head in the mail box
Worst bachelorette party. She got smashed and cried because she thinks she might have herpes from when she cheated on him. Not looking good for them.
God my Facebook chat is a graveyard of old blowjobz
I just peed behind the dumpster and dedicated it to you. Can i call u?
I concluded last night that you have no tear ducts, heart, or sense of any feeling.
He offered to teach me how hula hoop in exchange for acid. I took him up on it.
BABIES FOR EVERYONE. I'd be like Oprah except with babies
my roommate just said she thinks she got a flashback or some memory of me getting hit by a car.
I'm surprised, it's been so long you must be starving
At a certain point, the zombie-like hunger goes away. Then the sadness sets in. Then you start lying to yourself that you're taking some "me time." Then you remember you dodged chlamydia and Buddha knows what else. Then you're at peace with it.
If you take a post shower shit just get back in bed. You're better off starting your whole morning all over again.
we told the drug dealer that our car was dead and we needed a jump so he would bring the drugs to us...
Seriously. All I want right now is a 40 with a nipple on it, and a nap
Can't we just go back to fucking and having your boyfriend think you're completely straight?
My life has come down to me literally sitting on an uncrustables trying to defrost it because I’m drunk alone and hungry.
Randomize
