After the sixth shot I started to slur my pauses.
How come ATM is perfectly acceptable, yet not washing your hands after you poo is socially reprehensible?
I had a dream that I got a gift certificate to a lavish spa from my father. I think dream dad, along with real dad, think I'm gay.
I Apparently saved a picture of the Eiffel tower in between 2 pics of his dick. It appears to be the same size. I fucking love Paris.
You were mounting an escalator last night, shouting "I have no health insurance" at people
That penis will go down in history. It's the Helen of Troy of dicks. I will conquer it and the tale will live on for future generations to learn from
It's one of those things you just need to see in person at least once in your life. Like Niagara falls or some shit. His ass is the Niagara falls of asses
In the bath trying to absorb water through my skin because I can't drink it.. That hungover
Its not that it wasnt fun. Its just I got a tooth knocked out and that was my second time being arrested this year
Good morning! So would you prefer me to show up kind of late or on time but looking like I got chewed up and spat out by an episode of Buffy the Vampire Slayer?
You thanked your mom for the gymnastic lessons so you could do a keg stand
I think I got a sinus infection from puking out my nose on st. Patricks day #thisis26
A million fucking miles away, and the sun still manages to fuck my hungover mornings up.
Fuck you. You were a total asshole last night.
We will get to that, but can anybody tell me whose fucking socks I am wearing?!
I accidentally put Bacardi in my coffee this morning. I ain't even mad.
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