we need blinds so i can safely watch porn during the day
just woke up to a get well card i wrote myself when i was drunk. it was by the advil. i am a cocky bitch.
Just picture a dyson vacuum with razor blades. That's how it felt.
I'm hungover as hell. I'm dying. I have no skin left on my knees
Do you ever feel like a plastic bag?!
I keep telling myself that if Britney can make it through 2007, I can make it through this date.
I'm sending you the three minute video I jus took,....it's of me eating a pear up close
When I took off my jeans he became more excited about my Elmo underwear than sex but to be fair, who can blame him. They're awesome undies.
I was just wicked nice to a telemarketer... that's how stoned this woman got me.
I told her I was going to masterbate myself into a coma... We have another date on Thursday.
cmon you know I'm perfectly capable of something that ridiculous 100% sober
How does one tell their boyfriend they're pregnant with someone else's kid??
quit whining, rub some dirt on it, and lets get out there
its my penis
and then she sorta stared at me like "holy shit" and I looked down and my dog was licking her ass
Ruff night.
You're a brave, albeit stupid soul for wanting in on the fuckery that comes attached to my vagina
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