So #1 way to come back last night and #2 wishbone and I broke into his house and i opened joey's door and u were both passed out and pantless.
i just saw a white kid with an afro using a martini shaker as a coffee thermos. go college.
Johns diaper came in the mail. He's freaking out thinking there's some conspiracy going on since he sharted on the drive home from st. Louis
Think about if the incredible hulk and king kong had a retarded baby. That's the sound she made in my ear the entire time I fucked her.
I'm beginning to think the only reason I get laid anymore is girls are fantasizing sleeping with my dad...
Chicken wings don't come back up an through your nose as easily as you'd think
there is no excuse for drinking mascato in your room alone while listening to one-hit wonders from the 90s
Maybe you should start carrying pepper spray. You are like the Justin Bieber of lesbians.
She poured beer through the deck into the hot tub. She called it a deck shot. It was horrifying but super awesome at the same time.
Tonight I celebrated marriage equality by letting a girl I don't know kiss me at the club.
HOW THE FUCK CAN YOU NOT REMEMBER WHIPPING IT OUT AND PUTTING ON THE BAR?
By the way, you're banned for life.
Yeah but if you conceived a child on a park slide that would be pretty awesome
I left him on his mom's lawn after he passed out in my lap and told me my vagina smells like flowers. Couple of the year award
11:30 you texted me saying he was on his way. 11:37 you said, "Oh my God that was terrible."
how do i act around someone who's shoes i puked in while naked and blackout?
Randomize
