I have this horrible feeling I'm going to blackout tonight & only be able to say 'wasabi bobby' over & over again.
Mom found my vibrator. all the said was 'wow, I've never seen one like this before.'
we don't live in the stone age anymore, mom
it's a shame restraining orders have to come between me and my relationships
So Delta doesn't take cash. I used my card to buy a drink and asked the attendant if she could leave it open.
I fatbooth all their pics then decide which one is the cutest even if they gained like 400 lbs and then proceed to fuck him.
Oh wait looks like my cousin is getting deported THERE'S HOPE FOR THIS CHRISTMAS YET
How are ur friends?
One is peeing in the grass and the other is asleep under the stairs. Fuck them I'm sleeping in the car
Why would you hook up with someone whos known for peeibg in someones mouth
Discovered that a nalgene holds an entire bottle of wine. Going mobile. Come find me.
He took off his priest costume and proceeded to dryhump the teletubby.
When you pick me up at the airport, please have some sort of drugs on hand.
They won't let me buy alcohol in the airport until 9am. Super judgemental
You wear a dinosaur suit one time and everyone thinks you're a furry. Fucking hell, man.
I ate her out and told her she tasted like pumpkin pie. She screamed that she hated pumpkins and started to cry
My house exploded and with it all my pot went up in smoke.
Randomize