She left me with blue balls so I jerked off on her french toast in the morning.
I'm drinking reisling in a paper cup by myself in the garage.
Just got an Edible Arrangement my parents sent me for my birthday. Time to marinate some fruit in vodka.
Say something like you want him to fuck you behind a McDonald's. Guys secretly love weird shit like that.
I'm crying, drinking alone and applying for jobs tonight. I figure the alcohol will lower my job standards.
I can't wait for the 4th. I'll probably get drunk and end up puking all over whichever 18 year old I end up making out with.
Look on the bright side. Now you know the number for poison control.
I feel a bullet train of disappointment headed in your direction.
I sent him a naked picture of me with the caption "I lost at beer pong, this was a dare. Hope your nights going as good as mine" I've never talked to him in my life, this is a strange way to start.
Whos eating a bunch of acid and watching fireworks tomorrow? This guy. Thats who.
my cat just photo bombed my nudie.. does this qualify me as a cat lady?
Face washed and sleeping pill taken. Here's hoping for a more sex filled tomorrow.
I told my coworker that I'm going to a dinner party and was asked to bring wine and pregnancy tests and he was like.. I miss being 20
Why is it that the asexual in our group is the one that gets laid the most often??
Fuck it. I'm going for it. You're only young once, right?
You've been saying that for 5 years now. Let me know when the novelty wears off.
Randomize
