none of my boyfriends are responding right now, I thought I had enough to avoid this problem
shhh. i hid the ranch dip behind the rooster. don't tell anyone that way you can find it in the morning and it won't be all eaten.
wrong number but thanks
woman puking in liquor store parking lot at 9:30 on a tuesday morning = best commute ever.
In Denver there are more bars per capita than any other city also the healthiest city. That means lots of drunk girls and no fatties.
No, you don't understand. If the words "stop," "alcohol poisoning," and "regret" aren't in the same sentence by the end of the night, I will have failed this birthday.
Out of all the people in the house to show their tits at mcdonalds to try and get free food, they picked those two?
So high I started thinking my desktop picture of a cat was too erotic for the workplace.
My mom wants to know what to send you in a care package. She used cat emojis, so you know it's serious
Omg yes! I just found a random muffin! Don't question it. Just praise the miracle.
My mom sucked on that joint like a nipple and she was a fucking newborn
I would rather you cheat on me then you watch this season of Breaking Bad without me.
Sitting in my car feasting on the spoils of Taco Bell as Donna Lewis croons "I love you, always forever." A more perfect moment will never exist.
She said she is going to be sex-slave version of Princess Leia for halloween. You think there is any way I could pull off an attractive Jabba suit?
Just passed the animal clinic parking lot I had to pull over to puke in during welcome week. I can almost hear the dogs barking at my shame again.
He kept saying I needed to go to the hospital and it just made me want to call him a pussy so I went to bed
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