I am pretty sure the guy in the stall two dwn from me is jerking it...seriously
my mom asked me how i could steal on a clear conscious and i told her it was because when i was younger she let me watch alladin and he did it.
it's like everything I expected to see tonight all put together in one at once
that is the greatest description ever
This bar receipt from last night makes no sense
You were wasted and got mad that it was too high so you subtracted 50 bucks in the tip line from the total
I wish that would've worked
I don't want her to kill herself before she gets over me, getting mentioned in a suicide note isn't very fly.
but it's kind of a high honor.
You better not fucking die before we have sex while you blow fire. I'm serious. Don't mess up my sexual bucket list.
Sorry for locking you out after accusing you of eating my Skittles... I realized I was mistaken after just throwing up the rainbow.
You fucked everything up-can't pass a cleared kitchen table without getting hard
I seriously don't understand how you keep getting laid.
Because I'm like the spider of false hope. I spin elaborate tales and snare them in my web of utter disappointment. They soon realize their mistake, but by then it's too late.
Turns out lunch break sex with someone you cant stand being around for any amount of time just makes you wish you had gone to get tacos like you originally planed.
Turns out the old man beside me in the waiting room was dead, but other then that it was a good day.
I just did a booty-call caliber shave job in preparation for this weekend. Fuck being ladylike; I'm tryna get LAID-ylike
I made him dress me after we fucked. He put me in TMNT pants and then told me I looked hot.
We've been staking out a taco bell for 2 hours trying to find last night's one night stand
You're the air beneath my wings and the lookout when I pee
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