Passed out watching pirates of caribbean with vodka in hand. Woke up to jenna jameson, with vodka gone.
you sent me 5 happy birthday texts last night. one after the other. spelled differently.
then i got kicked out of the bar for trying to pay my $30 bar tab in sacajawea dollar coins
I remember why I come home for the holidays. Sam Adams is the cheapest beer in the fridge
This morning my doorman told me it was an accomplishment for me to be standing and conscious after last night.
okay so i know you are missing your wallet but at least its not your tooth. i am missing my tooth.
He talks to me in this sweet I know you might be pregnant voice.
My last memory involves me naked in a mens's bathroom stall. I really hope my date was with me.
I got concerned once i realized you weren't there to hear us having sex. See I do worry about you.
I think god is proud of me so he is rewarding me in discounted wine
He's like Medusa, you can't look directly into his eyes or you'll turn into a slut.
We both paused during sex to do the clap during the Friends theme song. Soulmates.
thought a girl was checking me out today. took me like 5 minutes to realize it was a mannequin
Not only does DQ have s'mores shakes, sonic has a hot dog in a pretzel bun, and Wendy's has a burger in a pretzel bun. Important things are happening.
Another thing to add to the list of things not to do while I'm drunk......explain to the upstairs neighborr how to have quiet orgasams......she now thinks I want to be part of a threesome......fuck my life
Randomize
