life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
There's this guy beside me dancing with this girl with no panties on. When I looked at him he said he's babysitting his bestfriend's girlfriend since he can't come out.
What a good friend
pissed the bed twice, first one side then rolled over , other side. boom.
Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
Dude I just heard my boss singing from the bathroom "I love making poop"
we should hire that guy that makes pancakes that we met last weekend for our next party. He can feed us, and regulate!
Dude he's the best wing man ever. He starts creepin' on a woman, and she clings on to you out of fear.
Literally lying on a futon being hand fed bacon
Fuck you.
Would jacking off with Benadryl cream be good or bad for the poison oak on my dick?
I woke up to a shattered My Little Pony garbage pail, a black eye I don't know how I got and no one will look me in the face. Fuck tequila.
Dude, I'm trippin balls. For real, I thought this bag on my floor was my dog for the longest time...
It's time you knew: I have been dating your probation officer for 7 months. Pretty certain he's THE ONE. So, thanks for being a criminal.
I'm in the upstairs bathroom. I went to the bathroom after class and realized this is not a shit I want to have publicly. I ran home. We can go to lunch, just give me a min
But really, what kind of hoe life adventure in Mexico would you do that would top me blowing a trucker?
He ate me out in the warehouse on a pallet of sunlight soap. I fucking love night shift!
Randomize
