He just washed his hands with scrubbing bubbles yelling "They work hard so I don't have to!"
So even though we broke up apparently according to my voice mail you still like me, with smurfs while riding on a boat.
All of our toilets in my house are broken. Thank God I've practiced peeing in the sink enough.
i think he just broke into a bike shop his last text said something about hiding in some tree
He got a slutty, ugly mother of a 7 year old, and I got a dog that only sleeps and shits on clean clothes. No one won in this break up.
On the 3rd day, she mixed sangria and orange juice and saw that it was good.
Go tell your boss to go fuck himself because you have beer and doritos and zombies waiting on you
He ate me out while Space Jam was on. My life is complete.
I don't know how guys can take themselves seriously when they see themselves naked
I ate 1200 calories worth of chocolate covered marshmallows and googled why it is okay to be single forever
I don't care how hot he is. I will not strip for him to country music.
wtf guys I thought we agreed on no more knives. So much for not destroying the house
We are literally scheduling phone sex... if that's not long distance af then i don't know what is
I woke up to the smell of shame and vomit in my hair... went to the bathroom to shower and passed out... woke back up naked with the blow dryer on... thanks for making my birthday a success
We are bad people. This is why we are friends. <3
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