WHY DID I DRINK ALL THE INGREDIENTS FOR VOMIT?!
Just shaved my legs with toilet water in a walgreens bathroom. I am so classy.
I'm watching the Australian Open. They need to slow the fuck down. It's hard enough to follow sober and now it's just pissing me off.
Dude just read our convo. Apparently I was talking to you while I was naked. She wasn't happy about it.
last karaoke night = doing dmx songs with a guy who threatened to stab me. so yeah I'm coming out.
it would be a downgrade if your vagina tasted like skittles
Got laid in my rudolph onesie for the second year in a row. New tradition? Absolutely.
I'm a hopeless romantic that likes rough sex. Judge me
The fact that he offered to stop once he stuck it in my ass was sadly the most considerate thing anybody's ever done for me.
holy fucking shit get me out of here. even the babies are wearing beanies
Summers almost over and we haven't golfed, got naked or had sex yet. Let's do all three in one day, no particular order.
It's not even 7 yet. She's singing you are my sunshine to the smirnoff bottle.
Guy just walked in with a 40 and a Honda steering wheel. Where the fuck am I?
As you were leaving you yelled at the owners that the stairs weren't suitable for "intoxacapated" people and promptly fell down them.
So I WAS right.
You took off your shirt and pulled out a bottle of cherry uv and a slushee. That's when I knew you came to party
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