A guy in a big stork costume just came to our meeting to give us condoms and t-shirts telling us not to get pregnant. Only at college
we were pretty classy up until the second keg
we thought you were sober enough for a movie but you took one look at emily blunt and screamed "aw this bitch?!" and passed out 30 seconds later
You make shower sex sound like waterboarding
Sometimes I stop and laugh and think "and these are my actual life choices".
I thought about puking over the balcony or the bathroom and figured the balcony seemed much funner.
I kept petting the scarves and telling customers to "feel that shit"
Stop drinking at work.
He played the same pre-sex songs as his brother...
I stared at his lazy eye for so long, he thought I had one too. Then we bonded over our lazy eyes. I had to fake one all night. My head is fucking killing me. NEVER pretend to have a lazy eye.
if drunk means calling me and asking to borrow the game of life at 2am then I think you were drunk
stop sending me battleship coordinates and get back here so i can suck your dick
My balls are resting on a block of frozen cheese in a sealed bag
It's like she fell out of an MTV reality show and no one knows how to send her back
He was so energetic. It was like screwing a bunny.
Just packed a snack to eat on the way to McDonald's. That stoned.
Randomize
