I'm taking a dump and eating a fortune cookie and it said "Force it to be successful"
Tell her to not eat the pizza she threw up on.
That's why she's the girl with her life together and you're the girl with the penis drawn on your car.
What did he say? I couldn't hear him over the sound of how awesome his beard is.
Bring your friend that fell asleep in the bathroom for my friend.
His personality is sparkling but nothing beats his ass
I'm almost too hungover to function. Got into the wrong car by mistake. there was a rotweiler in it. Thank god he was more confused than i was for a minute.
I hope you gays don't get too crazy after DOMA. Gay divorces aren't any better than straight ones.
ACTUALLY FUNNIEST MOMENT OF THE NIGHT WAS WHEN YOU WERE TALKING TO HIM AND YOU SAID "WHEN YOU MEET ME IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE A LOT ANGRIER." And then he said "WHEN I MEET YOU IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE LESS DRUNK, HOPEFULLY."
I just realized I haven't looked at our horoscopes lately. If mine says anything about tweakers, I'm burning my phone.
Oh shit oh shit oh shit.
BURN THE PHONE.
She fucked the dishwasher AND the manager.
Well, she isn't a classist. You've got to give her that.
I'm currently drunk proofing my room
After I spend a passionate night with my vibrator, I have to awake and face my stuffed animals. Their beady eyes are full of shame and disappointmet. I can't deal with that level of judgement.
I think someone shaved off all their pubes in the handicap stall or a werewolf stopped by the office to take a crAzy dump!
And tell your penis that we can hang out tonight for sure.
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