Since she's grinding up on your thigh right now, I'm sending you this text hoping it makes your phone vibrate in her vagina
You do realize that you tried to eat the neighbors cat because the dominos guy was 5 minutes late. You would have succeeded if we didnt stop you.
there's a barbecue in the shower. I'd like to know who got this to fit inside perfectly. impressive
No just sleep deprived. James woke me up at 7 and forced me to eat a hot pocket with him cause he " didn't want me to die".
When he gets asked "is it in?" more than his name you arent missing out on much more than a petite tampon.
You went down on Rachel in front me last night. Worst. Brother. Ever.
Your little brother is asking me for an "expert opinion" on his dick size.
how did you know i stayed over last night?
there was a trail of glow sticks and cheetos from the front door all the way to his bedroom
How much more is Amanda Bynes going to rip out our hearts?!?!?
Not saying puking on the side of a cab was how I imagined freshman year of med school but...
Apparently drunk me thought it was a good idea to buy $100 worth of band aids and stick them all over everything in the apartment.
Now: to brush my teeth, put on my grandma slippers and earplugs, masturbate to 50 Shades and then PTFO
Also a shrinking boner emoji would be helpful
It's sad that I'm more proud of my Twitter account then my resume
Btw, how did you break into my room, and why did you decide that covering the mushrooms with a blanket was more secure than a lock on my door?
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