I walked into my house this morning to find an 18 pack on the counter. I think that's gods way of ringing the bell for round two.
So I decided to start saving money for my abortion in a tomato sauce jar because it says ‘Prego.’ I know I thought it was fucking genius!
I keep finding coffee grounds in my vagina
I wish there was a non slutty way to ask the guys across the hall if i can copy their men's bathroom key so I have one for my one night stands
had to split buying plan b over two cards. I will no longer challenge people to get on my level
After much deliberation I've decided to name my penis "Arthur", hope your mom's surgery goes well.
He asked if I wanted a dutch rudder. 1.) Who says that? 2.) How exactly does one do that with a girl?
I legit just said "vaginal access denied" then told him his password hint was "tequila shots"
Besides the flaccid incident, it was decent. Average sized. So this is my life now. Loneliness and lackluster sex.
Got home last night and found a Big Mac in the shower, tampons all over the place, and two pairs of your panties on the front porch.
My exam ends at 4pm so I plan to be passed out in the bar by 5pm. Want to join me?
I feel like my sexual preferences are just another sign that I am a 75 year old drag queen in a 29 year old woman's body.
He uses Bing as his search engine...but he's great in bed. So obviously I'm torn.
What does it mean when the government shuts down and your boyfriends wife wants a divorce ON YOUR BIRTHDAY?
No, I'm not a heathen. You two are the heathens, I'm the whore.
Randomize
