at 4 in the morning i heated a family sized mac n cheese for a minute and decided to eat it frozen cuz I didn't wanna wait for that long
Spent 30 minutes in the board meeting trying to figure out where the foul smell was coming from. Thought it was the guy's feet sitting next to me. Then i uncrossed my legs. Turns out it was my vagina. Thank goodness for travel size febreeeze.
Petting the cat and listening to "you've got a friend". This is why I smoke weed. To make sense of situations like this.
Is it possible to dent your eyeball? And how do you "accidentally" go cosmic bowling?
We should hook up after this. Laugh or look horrified to say yes.
I vaguely remember Matt shouting something about "GET ON MY LEVEL!" at the bartender before he attempted to order a case of tequila from him.
I remember him going "OH SHIT" when he saw you straddling me on the table. And it was like the best feeling ever.
I miss you, too. It's hard to sleep without anything licking my head.
i may or may not be making depth charges with cough syrup. i'll call you if i survive.
The ecstacy made me so dehydrated I started licking condensation off car windows
He told me I remind him of his ex girlfriend but in a better more advanced way..
I woke up with what has to be a whole pack of smarties loose in my bra. Was that your fault?
Lobby closes at 2 AM on Thursday, but everyone walking still wants food... I could run a "Taco Bell Taxi" when I clock off at 2 and charge a dollar to give drunks a ride through drive thru.
Someones thought of a way to afford tuition.
Look, if it comes down to it, I’m spraying whipped cream on your nuts
Her mom Is so hot that when she was bending over i just zoned out starin at her ass her dad slapped me on the back an said let me tell you son everything you see here is mine and you had better realize i felt like simba
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