He walked in and put an x made out of tape on the floor. He then announced that he was going to pass out there. Cocky or strategic?
Apparently I did my philosophy paper last night. It's not bad either.
We have a drunken confused pantless man in our apt. Boots.
His little brother just walked in, asked me if I'd blown his brother yet and then announced that he and his friends were going to play outside so we could play too.
If you're fucking that other dude, I'll take the sloppy seconds. I don't care.
I don't really know how to say this, but I have an oven mitt to return to you tomorrow..
I just had a horrible epiphany. I have fucked girls younger than Star Tours
This text was so worth waking up to
My mom just found my nipple clamps...... oh God why....
My booty call fought through ice and a foot of snow to get here. He brought booze, food, and cigarettes for three days. My vagina is the greatest motivator of all time.
There something liberating about walking through the dorm hallways without pants on.
I tried to feed the cat bread. I told her it was the body of Christ. That seemed to work.
You don't have a cat...
You're gonna be sprawled out basking in the sun working on your tan like a ridiculously hot iguana, and I'm gonna be here bundled up in about 72 layers just so I don't freeze my dick off looking like the Michelin man's gay cousin
i apologize, I may have called you an iguana
Mistakes were made
i feel like if we ever had babies together they would just be drunk all the time
I told her I'd rather set my hair on fire than sleep with her again. In retrospect, that was probably too harsh. My eye is still swollen shut.
Woke up to find that I was cock blocked by no more than three people.
Randomize
