Was i wearing a white blazer when you superpoke danced me??
the line for where the wild things are looks like radiohead had sex with an urban outfitters
youre just mad i got the high score on the breathalyzer
No I am not eating basil off your cock
You can duct tape yourself to me so we dont lose you and you dont have to celebrate your birthday alone
Good thing I took the morning after pill cuz I pretty much had packaged seamen in me like I was a squirrel saving it for later or something
you want a dog just so you can strap a barrel of hot chocolate around its neck?
Def just hooked up with my brother's senior prom date in his bed. Does that make me the worst brother ever?
I woke up in a trash can. Please dude. I don't know what I did to you last night, but I'm sorry. Epically sorry. Please call me back. Please.
I'm chatting on my fake OkCupid account and watching Lion Witch & Wardrobe on my second screen. Hail me, King of the Creepers
I'm doing running of the bulls tomorrow at 7am...except in New Orleans roller derby girls chase you.
I'm gonna face reality, tomorrow morning is not on my hungover agenda.
STOP GETTING GIRLS PREGNANT IN MY BED.
I just got a robo call from the Addiction Help Line. Not sure how to take that.
Why were you naked on your bathroom floor?
It was a "get entirely naked to take a shit" kind of blackout I think.
Randomize
