i wish that high-me and normal-me were two different ppl so that high-me could thank normal-me for setting out a feast before smoking
I wish that high-you wouldn't text me stupid shit at 3:30 in the morning
Just passed an anti-circumcision dude with a sign. Handing-out-bibles guy has been officially one-upped.
All of our toilets in my house are broken. Thank God I've practiced peeing in the sink enough.
I cannot believe he got soft mid fuck. I just hope he bought that horrible impression you did of my dad. I love you though, you came in clutch tonight.
It was the least I could do after throwing up in your purse.
I am one Jewel song away from suicide watch
I yelled out look at all those hickeys. And then gave her boyfriend a high five
Please don't make me ever have to hear the words "the Queen's gynecologist" ever again.
Honestly I am too high to watch videos of you jerking off right now
I think I'm pregnant again.
or as we call it, thursday.
I think the moment she woke up butt naked on a mattress with her phone still on her face was the point she knew last night was fucked up
I never thought I'd end up with a prison pen pal through tinder
Accidentally drunk dialed my mom last night. Started the conversation with "Where you at girl?"
I. Love. Skype. Sex.
I think it's just been too long since actual dick has been inside you that you only THINK you love skype sex
I think I deserve an award for the breakup text I sent him. Like a pulitzer prize or a donut or something.
Hey this is your roommate. You know the one that let you have sex with her while you called out your exs name and cried?
I have no recollection of that. You must have the wrong number. P.s. your thongs still on the ceiling fan.
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