You up for the gym tonight after work?
I'm up for a light workout and a nice yog.
Fair enough, I'm gonna hit it hard today.
Chris Brown style, or less felonious?
Haha, all felonious.
dude my little brother busts into my room last night and yells did you know that grandma is hiding scrambled eggs between her legs
just woke up in my neighbors garage.
scratch that. I'm like 6 miles from my house in a random garage.
Do they take checks?
Did you really just ask me if you could write a check for a DRUG DEAL?
When I said to shut up, I meant it. I'm sorry you have a bald spot now, but it was necessary.
We were dancing and she was clawing my stomach like a fat kid getting to a half broken pinata.
It's all coming back to me. I drank moonshine from a milk carton from a guy named tomohawk last night.
Jesus horatio Christ I forgot my mittens and am considering shoving my hands down the pants of the first semi attractive man I see
And he came by and picked me up. We cuddled in his car then had sex until... an officer doing his rounds put a spotlight on crazy haired, naked me straddling him.
Like he was inside me when I made eye contact with a police man.
Will you be super villain lesbian lovers with me for halloween?
The cop said he like my hair today. Please explain all other interactions with law enforcement, k thanks
I just made my mom buy me lube. I've reached a new level of broke.
I'll be wearing lingerie and holding a bottle of bourbon so pick up whatever food you think goes with that
You're an adult now and it's your vagina. You should do what it or you wants.
besides the unzipped fly, the black eye and the toilet paper on your shoe you looked really sexy today baby!
Randomize
