We fish bowled my car and anna told us a story about time travel and part of it had people melted into the side of a boat and i imagined them being melted into my car moaning in pain and then we got scared and thought zombies were outside and couldn't leave for a while.
Well that's not true. She had two social skills. She kept them in her bra
Public safety found my id!
And i can't find my bra so i'm assuming they found my bra with my id which would explain the disapproving tone the lady on the phone had.
I just won unlimited hot dogs for life. I'm so glad I smoked
You called in. Quitter. You stayed at home naked drinking again didnt you.
Do you think I can wear the dress I went to jail in with the shoes I went to prom in to the wedding tonight?
Well, on the plus side, the hospital gave me a shirt that says "Makes a bad ass look good"
Nothing brings people closer than bonding over tequila shots and running from campus security.
I didn't have the heart to tell him that the reason my vagina was so "prelubricated" was because I had just had another gentleman caller an hour earlier. So, when he commented about how turned on I appeared, I just went with it.
Hey, I took a sweater from your house. And, um, your little brother's virginity.
You went in the back with her.. And honestly I couldn't tell her neck from her tits man..
All I'm sayin is that I don't want to raise anything. Or deal with anything. Or having anything come out of my vagina. I mean, I don't think that's asking too much.
I didn't see her "bad karma" tattoo until after I was balls deep
Hey so I got my period
Thank god I wasn't ready to deal with sober you for 9 months
Just woke up and read the text that drunk me sent you, i take it all back, and you can't have my power puff girl pillow either.
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