I feel like my nuva ring should have a vibrating switch.
Its like everytime i see you, my vagina gets a heartbeat.
I'd like to personally thank you for not letting anyone puke in any of the salad bowls this time
So even though we broke up apparently according to my voice mail you still like me, with smurfs while riding on a boat.
you are not perverted enough for this relationship to work out.
I apologize for getting really drunk, taking off my shirt, bitching someone out, crying, and breaking something at your party next weekend...
so, does the "dick the size of your forearm" thing run in the family then?
Bible prof is the guy I made out with at the gay bar on the fourth. He doesn't remember.
idk how I feel so profoundly understood by someone whose latest tweet is "labia majora's mask." but I do.
I walked in on him pumping himself up by headbanging to the drumbeat from Jumanji.
CUT OFF ALL YOUR HAIR COME ON MAN LET'S DO THIS
another side note: i'm officially selling my underwear on the internet
did i get sucker punched in the face last night or was our make-out session just that intense?
Uhm I have a bottle of tequila, a gallon of orange juice, and leggings. Now ask me again how hard im going? And that doesn't cover tomorrow.
Im sitting on the floor of the hotel room eating nachos and drinking coffee. People should learn to embrace their hangovers
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