nothing says happy birthday like half a tampon wrapped in someone else's hair on your shoulder.
I feel like I am becoming dumber sitting here in class than I would be sitting on the couch smoking weed.
Get dressed up for her? please, I could shit my pants and she would still blow me
My boyfriend texted me as I was texting some random hookup from last night. His text: "Morning baby" My response: "Your cum is in my hair"
Just saw a white bronco on my way home from work and the license plate said "NOT OJ"
Dude i thought about you literally the second after I came. This friendship is starting to cross some serious boundaries
I am solely responsible for the birth of their child. I mean, I did push them into the room and hold the door shut yelling "punch that kitty!". It has to be a sign.
I'm getting to the point of going up to a guy and saying "Hi I'm maggie and i can put my foot behind my head"... That desperate.
I'm not liking this ratio of moving to blowjobs...
It's legal now for me to leave my boyfriend and marry you.
You know you are 86'd from the legacy right? You can't down shots then spike the shot glass
I did get to watch you pee, tho. That counts as another precious moment.
You'd be proud. Took my birth control today at 12:30 with a Budweiser. Guy across the bar saw and held his bottle up to salute me 😂
Can I come over and use your shower? My roommate got drunk last night and took my bathroom door off its hinges
Omg I just woke up. In the hallway outside my room. I know you had something to do with this
Randomize