if any two of us come back from the bar and aren't getting laid we will systematically destroy everything in the kitchen
literally had 100 drinks last night.
woke up to moans and hushed"we can't do this with him in here." hope they had a good time
I watched the entire movie Forgetting Sarah Marshall before I realized it was in Spanish.
I'm gonna laugh so hard when we're both married with families
That statement alone makes me laugh so hard.
He told her, Don't talk. Just sit there so I can imagine that you have the kind of personality I wish you had.
I don't have any swimsuits that don't show off the weird handprint bruises on my hips. Do you have a onepiece I can borrow?
That's right. If she can't abide by the rules then she gets booted. It's like survivor booty call edition
I HAVE A PIGEON IN MY JACKET.
Cock is NEVER random. You may quote me on that.
She looks like a beluga.
I want to splash her with water and when she screams say "I didn't want you to die. You looked parched"
Hey, I think I showed you a picture of my nephew while we were fucking last night. Sorry, I know it's weird, I just really love that kid. Again, sorry.
This text constitutes a formal request for sexual congress under the terms of our Relationship Agreement.
Not sure if your roommate speaks German while sleeping, or if she woke up, figured out we were fucking, and used German to swear at us.
I'm all about clean living these days
You started your day with fried chicken and a bloody
... after you woke up in your own urine
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