Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
ya know if you hadnt broke up with me, that porno we made wouldnt have a 3.3 rating on youporn right now...
i just woke up i smell like fire, i have bruises on both knees and one elbow, i have a lighter and nip of smirnoff blueberry in my bed, rug burn on one hip and about 12 pics of you and me on my camera-this needs to stop happening
yea ive got to shower which is going to be painful given the skin burns from the blowup obstacle course races last night
my girlfriend just compared my daughters eyes to gollum from lord of the rings.
we seriously had to hang a plastic bag on his ears so he could throw up right into it.
Mother nature decided I wasn't going to be a whore today. Fuck her.
No one knows who he is but he hasn't missed a shot in beer pong yet. He's dressed as lance armstrong and is tearing shit up.
I just realized I have yet to puke in your new apartment. Clearly we're doing something wrong. On my way over with Cuervo as I type.
I wasn't going to take him home until I heard "hung like a water buffalo" then curiosity got the best of me.
Somewhere between the 30 minutes of cunnilingus, the improvised song about the Olympics, and the super thoughtful shower beer... I knew I married the right guy
Yeah everyone's alive and well besides the still terrifying threat of Ted's conception of a human being
WTF YOU SHOULDNT BREAK A SWEAT TAKING A SHIT. MY BODY HATES ME.
Part of my treatment is getting high and having sex with 22 year olds. I have a prescription!
To show us how offended you were you took off the right foot of your pterodactyl suit and proceeded to attack us with it.
The amount of drunk I'm going to get tonight will be somewhere between Jim lahey and bojack horseman
Randomize
