Dude, don't freak out but the girl who stuck the hair brush in her ass is here. I can't look her in the eye!!
you know it is a bad morning when you forget to brush your teeth and eat old gas x in your car because its minty...
I made a mac n' cheesicle. Better in my head than in real life. Gonna keep smoking to see if it gets better.
I did the walk of shame to church this morning.
hooker boots and all?
Yep. People looked at me like I was the prodigal daughter returning home. Full of sins but welcome anyway.
i spelled "betch" that way on purpose, don't question my abilities as a drunk texter
My goal of the day is to not shit myself. That's it. Setting the bar real low
Take advantage man but know that every anal bead u drop inside her will make her love u 2% more. It's science
I just saw that blonde chick you wanna bang rolling down the hall wearing a Thor mask..
Wow. We're meant to be..
She just kept introducing me to people by telling them which of their friends I've fucked
He's probably hung over. I sure as hell am. I want to pop out my eyeballs with a fork and soak them in cold water
He is really real. Like I know where he works, have referenced him with mutual fb friends and I've seen his dick. He's real.
Just wanted to let you know it's 3am and, at this point, I believe your sister has more of my semen in her than I do. So suck on that, fuckface.
My wife just tried to justify to me why she wants to bring a girl into bed with us. I should win an academy award for my face and response of 'well of its what you need.'
Well, my family didn't see me in my drunken super slut state at Summerfest, so there must be a God.
all night she kept rolling over and mumbling something about wanting an extendable retractable urethra.
Randomize
