chasing schnapps with beer is a terrible idea. never been drunk at 3PM before. please help please please please please
Just took a final in the room where I lost my virginity. I think it was god luck.
yeah come on over we're just pre gaming for the grocery store
My girlfriend was pissed, so if I had to guess, i'd say I had a GREAT time last night
I am dressing up to go buy weed. I need to get out more.
I never kept track of who else he slept with. You think I have the time or the energy to keep track of every dick in my life?
Apparently she was filling Miller Lite bottles with water because I refused to be seen drinking water in a bar
He ripped off his shirt and tried to give me CPR. That damn bong.
Someone just bought me a one liter long island and call me maybe is on. I'm going to die
It's always a good night until the penis tattoo makes an appearance
Super stoned right now. And I stared at my exit, thought to myself "hey self. That is your exit" and I kept driving right past it.
if i bang your brother are we still cool?
I just put on my phone calendar to remind me of my final child support payment in 2029
I smell like hot dogs and captain morgan it's 11:20 am what is my life
I'm making poor life decisions again. Tune in tomorrow to see how much I hate life.
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